There are shades of gray days.

I’m not an expert at being human but I have my share of bad days, days that I wake up and want nothing more than to just curl up and disappear. Then there are days when the light of the sun is radiating out of me and I just want to be in the world and share my light with everyone. Then there are the days that go back and forth between black and white and those are my shades of gray days.

The days spent in black and the days spent in white are dispersed here and there and I will say I spend more time in the shades of gray. The good days and the bad day and then there are just the alright days, but what I have realized in all these days, is that you need a point something to keep focused on. That point for me is me. Me, meaning all of me, which includes family and friends and everything that makes this life worth living.

Those black days are heavy, but the burden of me disappearing will be worse for family and friends to carry. The bigger picture is that I can’t always see myself as an individual but as a whole, that I belong to something bigger than myself. Removing myself from that bigger picture leaves an incomplete story, and who likes an uncompleted story?

The white days when the light of the sun is shining through me, I see how my presence in this world has amazing ripple effects and how I can spread my light far and wide. I have seen those ripples return to me on days that are darker and heading to black, with family and friends showing love and concern.

There is a sense of pressure coming from the realm dictating I should be happy all the time and it is impossible to be happy all the time, I quite like having my alright shades of gray days. With social media more prevalent in our lives, where people and myself only post their best days, and their best selfies and best ussies, I get caught up in thinking that’s how my life should be all the time. However, it’s a fake world where everything has been Facetuned, and presets and filters have put on the permanent rose-colored glasses on life.

The self-inflicted untimely deaths of Kate Spade and Andrew Bourdain have resonated deep within me, because I have had those black heavy days, and there are times I have had the thoughts of ending my life. I have not attempted ending my life because I have that focus point even though at times it is small, that I belong to a larger picture. I have family and friends who see past the presets and filters I put on to ask how can I help and are you alright?

 I know I have affected other people’s lives by taking the time to see past their filters and ask them, like they have done me, Are you OK and would you like my help? I don’t ask those questions to get into their lives to feel better about my life, I ask those questions because I care and would like them to do the same for me when I’m going through the black heavy days. What I’m trying to say is be there for someone, be the light when they need it and if you can’t be the light at least show them to the light. Provide them with the number to the national hotline for suicide 1-800-273-8255, show them to the office at work or school where there is a counselor, call their loved ones, and show them even if it’s a little some concern and care. Be part of the bigger picture for yourself and others. Just know its OK not to be perfect and its OK to have alright days or shades of gray days because you are imperfectly perfect just like me and we are all part of a bigger picture. Be kind, be humble and be courageous.